Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
