For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
