You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
