he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
