hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
