I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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