grandma shit on top of the toilet
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
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