matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize