I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
