Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
