my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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