only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
