This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm passing your future prison.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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