How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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