Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
