I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
