We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
