Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
