first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
