whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
