I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
