If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize