There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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