I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
