Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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