A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I fill condoms, not promises.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
