I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Randomize
