I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
