someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
