he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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