now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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