So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
