I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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