he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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