i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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