i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have fence marks all over my body
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
