My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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