I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
