So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
