if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
