ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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