Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
