My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
