i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
