They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
