i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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