I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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