We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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