I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
