Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
