Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
