can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
