I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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