so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
