Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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