All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
