I will die if light touches me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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