4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
