I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
