I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
