Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
