party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
