Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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