just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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