I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
